XOXOFUFU [reserved and DONE]

[kayslee carters]

kayslee
Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an Iceberg
Waiting to change,
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like
the water,

kayslee carters was quite possibly the loneliest person on the face of the earth. sure, she rarely went to bed alone, but that didn't help. it was as if this hole was inside of her, and she just simply couldn't fill it. she was an example of the whole 'looking for love in all the wrong places' cliche that was thrown around like useless i love you's. but it was true for kayslee. she so desprately wanted male attention, that she was willing to grab the closest boy to her at any point and time. she half knew that it was because she was lonely. the other half was because she wanted someone to love her as much as one of her exes had. it was unbelivable, almost, for someone so popular, who was constantly surronded by friends and guys, to be so lonely. but kayslee carters was.

she once had someone who filled that horrible gap inside of her heart. because she once had her love. she had been in love with him, that was definately true. he'd been the only guy to call her his for almost three entire years. she'd never even dreamed of cheating on him. it was as if his moving destroyed her. ruined her. broke her inside. made her into the slut she was today. so superficial and so desprate for anything she could pretend was love. she wanted to be loved. she didn't want casual sex. she wanted someone to hold her, and tell her she was the most beautiful girl in the entire world. say something to her that wasn't an over-used line from a movie, like all the others did. oh, kayslee had heard all the pick up lines ever invented used on her. it dissapointed her. she wasn't worth effort from anyone, was she.

at this exact moment, ten thirty three am, kayslee found herself walking along the boulevard. she shivered lightly, rubbing at the sleeves of her dark las vegas sweastshirt. after warming herself a little, she stuck her thumbs in the belt loopholes of her seven dark washed jeans, watching her feet as her uggs hit the ground with a rythmic thudding sound. her straight, blonde hair blew gently in the breeze as she advanced down the board walk. tucking a strand of her lockes behind an ear, kayslee's blue eyes swept over the ocean. it was getting chilly-ish, for california at least. mid fifties, sixties on warm days. kays wasn't too used to it. normally, she and bri would head to somewhere like aruba for winter break, but this year she wasn't up for it.

for some reason, she couldn't get her mind off of that one guy. the one guy who said he loved her, and meant it. she cried over him for months, when he told her he had to move. it broke her heart into a million, tiny pieces. many people would be suprised if she ever got into another serious relationship since him. they all thought she was a brainless slut, but she had feelings- believe it or not. she could love. she missed him, so badly. she felt such a mix of emotions towards him. for a while, she'd hated him for leaving. for longer, she thought it was her fault that she couldn't be enough to keep him here. for always, she knew she loved him and couldn't stop loving him if she wanted to. she always hoped he'd come back for her... still having feelings for her.

[jonas scalini-evans ;]

So this is it, the feeling that I missed.
The subtle kind of pain that keeps me from sleep.
I try to explain how your touch drives me insane.
And I can't spend a night without wishing I was with you.

Responsibility was a daunting thought in Jonas' mind. He ran away from things he couldn't face, or things he didn't want to face. Mostly it seemed like he was just moving on quickly, but that really wasn't the truth sometimes. He was afraid of commitment, being held down, and taking the responsibility of his actions. He had always been that way. His parents would clean up his mess and everyone excused him. Usually, people got a laugh out of whatever he did, and so did he. He wasn't used to facing consequences and making wrongs right.

Jonas never mastered the art of long-term relationships. All his hook-ups had been mere physical attractions, and when he got tired of the same old face, he let the girl go. Occasionally, there were these girls who thought that they could change Jonas. They were pretty and smart, people wondered why they would waste their love on Jonas. They were trying to be the girl who turned this one-week relationship guy into their future husband. It never worked. Their hearts ended up broken, and Jonas moved on quickly. But it wasn't the case this one time, with this one girl.

It didn't seem like she had plans to change him. She wasn't the deepest girl on the inside, but like any other girl, she could get hurt. Jonas knew that. Kayslee seemed like the kind of girl that wouldn't last more than a few weeks. At least, that's what Jonas thought. For some reason, he wanted to look for what was more than what Kayslee offered at first glance. He wanted to experiment with her feelings. That experiment led him to look at his own feelings. He realized he saw something he didn't see in other girls. She loved him for who he was. She didn't exactly want him to change, and she didn't look at him skindeep. He didn't expect this from her at first. He had heard all the rumors about Kayslee: she was dumb and slutty. But there was something more to this girl that he couldn't quite place; and somehow, it scared him.

He wanted to let her go, before his mind engraved all her attributes in his head. He wanted to be able to forget her. He had played the part in encouraging his dad to move to Texas. The day he moved, he told her his feelings changed, and this wasn't the kind of relationship that would last across states. He thought that this was the perfect solution to his problems. It was a chance to start over on a clean slate. But he moved back. And he was ready to try things again, because he hadn't forgotten about her. No matter what he said, he really hadn't.

As these thoughts ran through his mind, Jonas walked along Manhattan Beach Boulevard. He looked up, and coincidentally, he saw her. Kayslee Carters was standing there. He looked at her head to toe. She was shivering. If only it were still okay to stand by her and hug her again, like it was before he moved. she looked deep in thought. Glancing at the reflection of himself on a glass window, he checked his appearance. His dark brown hair was tousled in the "right" ways. Darkwash American Eagle jeans fit his legs right, and they at least looked decent ... like he cared about what he was wearing, instead of walking around in his sweatpants. He fixed the collar of his dark green button-up polo, and started to walk towards her.

"You're thinking too much," he spoke up, but he kept his head down. He wanted to see if she still recognized him, as he casually walked along, not keeping eye-contact.

[/size]

[kayslee carters]

kayslee
All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

jonas had been on her mind. ever since she'd heard from countless people he'd be coming back, he'd been running in and out of her mind non stop. every few minutes, even, she found herself thinking about him. he was quite literally the only guy who ever told her he loved her. the only one. not even her dad, as she didn't like to think of him, had said that. and her relatives she didn't keep contact with. so in reality, it was true. it had happened only once, when they fell asleep together on the beach about a year and a half ago. right before they drifted off, he told her he loved her. and she'd never forgotten it. nor would she ever. her heart missed him so much. he was the only guy she'd ever cared about. she loved him, too. but she'd never told him.

so many things they did together she couldn't stop thinking about. billions of people thought of her as some brainless slut, and she just went along with it, letting them believe what they wanted. but ethan, bri, hollywood, rylet, and mikey knew different. especially jonas. he'd never once called her a slut, which just made their thing for eachother all the more important. believe it or not, their relationship wasn't just kissing and sex, like all her other ones had been. they did so many things together that involved other types of things. they did simple things, like took walks together. went on vacation together. spent holidays together. mostly they spent time on the beach. and one memory of being on the beach with him would always be etched into her mind...

it was this exact moment that broke her heart. jonas told her he had to talk to her, and to meet him on the beach. all in all, he ended up making her unable to ever go back to the beach again. anyways, what happened was he told her he was moving. so after finishing her cry, she begged him to try out a long distance relationship. he said no, he didn't want to work that hard for that, which stung her most of all. it made her feel meaningless. then, he walked away. leaving kayslee there, stunned. she didn't come out of her room for days. ethan had come over every day, trying to get her to come out, but she wouldn't.

a figure caught her attention from the corner of her eye, and she looked up. there was a more than familiar figure headed over to her. she knew she'd run into him eventually, but she didn't want it to be today. she actually considered leaving before he came over, but continued to walk, ocean hued eyes trained on her boots as she moved forward. you don't know that, she replied softly. she couldn't hold back the slight edge to her voice as she looked at him, continuing to walk. she felt the tell tale tears stinging at the back of her eyes, but ignored them. she'd long ago trained herself not to cry.

[jonas scalini-evans ;]

there's a whisper in the air you breathe underneath the sky tonight
there's a piece of you inside my heart that runs too deep to describe
& you're so much more than wonderful, so much more than I can see
& I could spend forever hoping you'd be here with me.

He had broken her heart. He knew that. His friends had called him up and told him that. "You really messed up this time, didn't you?" They said. "She was seriously the only one. You seriously blew it this time." All their voices, all their matter-of-factly voices, all of their I-told-you-so's, they had all repeated and repeated in his head. It was as if his conscience recorded everything, and it played the tape over and over again. Maybe it was a deciding factor in his move back to Manhattan Beach. It had driven him crazy in deciding which college he chose. Those thoughts had been with him the whole year. But still, he kept telling himself it was the right decision. It would all play out okay in the end.

But it really wasn't. And this time, Jonas couldn't run away from his mistake without being driven crazy. He couldn't get his parents' status or wealth either to help. Money could fix everything except for hearts. It was impossible to live with this mistake. All his life, he was the irresponsible, carefree, and happy-go-lucky kind of guy. Everyone had admired him for being like that. He didn't have to feel the guilt trip. But this was different. Everyone knew how much he had hurt her. And the worst part about it was, he knew how much he hurt her. For once, he had actually admitted to himself that he had made a mistake. The bigger step was to admit to everyone else that he had made a mistake.

He looked back at her, as she kept walking. Stay, he thought. Give me some time. Give me a second chance. She was still the same, beautiful girl he remembered. He wasn't blind to her physical features, but he knew that there was really something better than that. Everyone thought that he was going to waste his time on her, but he really didn't. It was the best thing he ever did. "I haven't forgotten how you looked when you were thinking," he started to say, then paused. "It was obvious in your eyes. It was like you really weren't here. You were somewhere else."

[/size]

[kayslee carters]

kayslee
Then the fire fades away
But most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're.... the other side of the world
to me

kayslee stopped walking as he spoke again. taking a deep breath, she ran her hands through her hair and looked at him. exhaling, she stared at him, blue eyes unblinking. have you forgotten what i look like talking to an ass? she retorted, biting her lip. with that, she turned around and started walking again, eyes now staring straight ahead, looking up the street of busy people. most of them looked happy enough. kayslee had been so hurt by jonas, she wasn't just going to let him off any hook that easily. yes, she still cared for him more than anyone and anything in the world, but all he did was hurt her. tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she walked down the boulevard, she looked up as she heard someone speak to her.

miss? the voice repeated, and kayslee's watery blue eyes focused on an elderly woman in front of her. the woman, seeing that she had gotten the teen's attention, waved in one direction. you aren't supposed to be back here. the woman added, looking at kayslee. the blonde, who normally would have protested, just nodded, turned around and walked a few feet back in the direction she had come in when her feet hit the wooden planks of the public area of the boardwalk. stopping, she leaned against a wall, and stuck her hand in the pockets of her sevens.

fingers momentarily fumbled over the cardboard pckage, but she succeeded in taking the pack of cigarettes out, along with a lighter. pulling the last smoke from the packet, she let the empty box fall to the ground as her thumb expertly pulled the switch to the lighter, setting the butt of the cigeratte alight. bringing the smoke to her lips, they parted and she stuck it in her mouth, taking a generous drag out of it. jonas didn't know she smoked, because she'd picked it up from izzy just this year. it made her feel better, since she didn't have beer or crack with her atm.

[jonas scalini-evans ;]

but i must confess, you're so much more than i remember.
can't help but entertain myself with thoughts of us together.

He wanted her to forgive him. He had never learned to truly ask for forgiveness. In fact, he had never learned how to apologize. Jonas never had to, and he never thought he never would have to. He realized that this time, he was all by himself trying to ask for reconciliation with Kayslee. This seemed like an unimaginable task, even if people could help him. Doing it alone seemed impossible. This was coming from the guy who did everything that was impossible. But this was impossible even for the impossible-thinking, also known as Jonas Scalini-Evans.

Her words stung him hard. It was like a slap in the face. He received a lot of those from the past girls he dated, but he never really felt them. After all, he knew they still liked him. But it was different with Kayslee. It seemed like Kayslee now completely hated his guts, and she wanted nothing to do with him. He couldn't blame her, he was a complete jerk. But couldn't he at least give her an explanation? Half of him said he didn't deserve that chance, but the other half of him wanted to keep on trying until he got the chance. And that half that had been controlling his brain right now.

She started walking away again, but he merely followed. He watched her until he could find the perfect words to say. Usually, he never really thought about what he said. He was an impulsive guy to the extreme, and he had never really cared about the mistakes he made. It seemed like he was a whole new person with Kayslee. Kayslee had achieved what all the other girls wanted to achieve. She had actually changed him in a way. He watched her get waved off by the lady, without her even getting the final word. He watched her take out that pack of cigarettes. He had never seen her smoke before, and he was about to tell her to put it away. But that would probably make him hate her more. So he just stood there in silence, watching her. He didn't get bored by it, he never did. He just wanted as much time he could have with her, even if it meant not saying anything at all.

Finally, he said something. "I wouldn't be here anymore if I didn't miss you."

[/size]

[kayslee carters]

kayslee
On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers
and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

as jonas followed her, she felt mixed emotions towards the whole thing. part of her wanted him to stay. the same part wanted to kiss him, right then and there. hold him as tight as she could, without any intentions of letting him go. ever. she wanted everything to just go back to the way they were, but she doubted that they would. but the other haf of kayslee wanted to slap him across the face, tell him where to put it, then leave. she wanted to never speak to him again. never hear about him ever again. but she knew that that wouldn't happen, either. she wasn't heartless, and at the moment jonas had most of her heart. he had since two years ago.

;ooking at him from the corner of her eye as he stood next to her as he watched her smoke, she took a deep breath. she could see herself from his point of veiw, and felt guilty about smoking the cigarette. shutting her eyes for a second, she finaly made herself drop the light on to the ground, not bothering or wanting to crush it under the toe of her expensive shoes. it'd just ruin them. she dropped the lighter back into her pocket, and looked away from jonas. she looked at the shops, she looked at the ocean. she looked at everyone and everything but jonas.

hearing him speak again made the stinging in the backs of her eyes hurt worse. she finaly turned to look at him. jonas... she tried, but found the words to hard to say as her throat was all choked up. shaking her head for a second, she looked at him again. don't lie to me. you didn't come back for me. she finaly managed to say, not able to look into his eyes. so instead, she focused on his forehead. why are you even here? why does it matter to you?

[jonas scalini-evans ;]

it's like i'm walking on broken glass.

He just wanted to talk to her. It made him even more guilty to see her cry, but he just wanted her to stop crying. He wanted to be happy with her again. He wanted to see her smile again, like she used to when he was around. He had been reminiscing about that smile when he moved, and he still remembered it when he looked at her. He knew he was a long way from seeing her happy again, and this was no atmosphere for one of his jokes. But he wished he could just skip all these sad parts and hear the three words that meant the most to him.

She wanted an explanation, and this was a chance to give her one. But he didn't want to tell her how he was scared of a commitment. He didn't want to tell her that he didn't want to be held down by a commitment like that. That wouldn't help his case, and it would hurt her so much. So, Jonas thought, it was okay to lie about that right now. He could just leave that part out. He could just tell her something that would make his actions seem right. Maybe he would win her heart back.

"I wanted to come back here more than anything. Trying to forget you was something near impossible," Jonas said, putting his hands on his pocket. "And I realized how amazing my life was at Manhattan Beach. With the people and the feel, and especially with you. And either I take all of Manhattan Beach, or none of it. Running away was an option, but I decided not to try that once. 'Cause for once in my life, there was something bright about my past that made me want to come back to it. That's you." On the last two words, he looked up at the sky. It was the same sky they were looking up at when they met, when they were at the beach, and when he told her he was leaving.

[/size]

[kayslee carters]

kayslee
Then the fire fades away
But most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're.... the other side of the world

kayslee carters was one of the few, special people who you hated to see upset. most of the times, she was happy and loud and excitable. it was so strange for anyone to see her so down, and her friends hadn't known how to handle it when she got into her slump when jonas left. only holly had really been there for her. she'd come over to her house every day, and unlike ethan, hadn't tried to cheer her up. instead, she cried with her. and that's when kayslee named her as her best friend in the entire world.

for the few minutes that he spoke, she stared at him, the tears still not spilling. it almost made her cry. almost. she still had the suspicion she wasn't the only reason he'd come back. why would anyone risk everything, and move just for one girl? something wasn't adding up, and she'd realized he still hadn't explained why he hadn't wanted to stay in a relationship with her when he had to move. that's what hurt her the most. sure, she'd have cried if he moved and they were able to stay together, but it hurt worse having nothing. she called him alot, and never once did he call her back. she thought about mentioning this, but decided against it.

finally a single tear ran down her face. the emotions she was feeling were so strong and overpowering her, it was hurting. what aren't you telling me? why couldn't we have tried? what's wrong with me? she asked, more tears following the first as she spoke. she wanted to know. what about her wasn't good enough for him that he wasn't even willing to try it? she had blamed herself for this for so long... looking up as he did, she squeezed her eyes shut, leaning her head against the brick wall.

[jonas scalini-evans ;]

i hope that you remember me.
young and in love at 17.
I hope that this is what you want.
I hope that this is what I want.
You talk, talk, talk, like nothing's wrong.
And all my feelings have gone numb.
I can't believe that I still miss you now.

She didn't trust him anymore. Before he moved, she gave him her whole heart. He could understand why she didn't trust him, he broke her heart. He took it apart when he said he didn't want a long distance relationship. But he didn't want to tell her. He would do anything in the world to get her back, but he just wouldn't tell her that he just wasn't ready for a commitment. First of all, it would make him seem like he was the biggest wimp in the world. Second, it really wouldn't help his case. He wouldn't win her back that way. He wished this were so easy, but there was no chance it was going to be.

She seemed like she was mad at him, but Jonas sensed there might've been this part of her that was blaming herself. The third question told it all. He didn't want to tell her the whole 'it wasn't you, it was me' kind of thing, because it was the very thing he wanted to run away from. Jonas still acted like a kid. He wouldn't blame himself for any of his actions. It used to be funny. He used to make people laugh because of that attitude. But right now, it was serious. And the only time he really had to make up his mistakes, he wouldn't do it.

He just couldn't.

"I had to go, Kayslee. My parents wanted me to have the best senior year and finish off strong. I've been letting them down my whole life, and just this once, I had to make them proud," Jonas reasoned. "And because I'd followed them to Texas, it got me back here. I had to let you go so I could see you again." He had looked up the whole time, but at the final words, he looked her in the eye.

"But it seems like you don't want anything to do with me..." he trailed off.

[/size][/color]

[kayslee carters]

kayslee
Can you help me?
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

but that still doesn't explain why we couldn't have tried...

[/b] she protested, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. running her hand through her blonde hair, she looked at him, then up at the sky. she found it easier to look at anything else than him, and the sky was where she chose to do this. her fingers were absentmindedly pulling at a loose hem on the sleeve of her sweatshirt, and she finally pulled her eyes away from the sky to study her sleeve. wonderful. she had pulled the string off, which just caused a hole in her sleeve.[/size]

as he spoke again, she sighed. that doesn't make any sense, you know... she replied, a corner of her lips curving up slightly. it was the closest thing to a smile that she'd given all day. she could never help not smiling around jonas, normally. normally for meaningless reasons- he told a joke, or did something else to make her laugh. she had no idea what she was almost-smiling about now, though... maybe it was how honest he was being with her. it made her feel like they could still be something if they tried again.

then he said the final words. her eyes became downcast again, and she took a deep breath through her nose. bringing herself to look at him, their eyes met. that's not true. she finaly, after a few minutes of silence, said. i think about you every day... how much i care about you. how much fun we had together... how much i missed you. kayslee said, a small smile appearing on her face now. not many people saw kayslee serious, but jonas did. [/blockquote]

[jonas scalini-evans ;]

this is the worst feeling yet,
I guess that this is what I get.
For all those nights and fights for love,
I gave it all of my heart,
and every word that you said,
I know that I won't forget.

She was smiling. Finally. Maybe this could work out in the end if he tried really hard. Of course, he had never really tried to hard in his life, but he wanted this. He wanted Kayslee to forgive him so he could finally be on civil ground with her, at least. He knew some people who hated Jonas, but they had hated him from the start. He and Kayslee were in love at once, and it seemed like she wanted to forget that as much as possible. Being in Psychology made Jonas dig deeper into minds than anyone really wanted him to. But for some reason, he just couldn't completely understand Kayslee's emotions.

"I really can't explain it, but it really seemed like the right thing. I know it sounds like a big mistake, but things are so much better than if we tried it. I just want a chance," Jonas said, putting his hands in his pocket, and looked her in the eye. "Look, even if we can't be in a relationship again, can we at least be friends? It sounds like a jerk move, but I really can't stand you being mad at me, after all we've been through. And this sounds conceited, but I know there's some part of you that doesn't want all this anger."

He decided to let out a little humor. Just for old times' sake. "I just sound like a total shrink right now, don't I?" Jonas laughed a bit.

[/size][/color]

[kayslee carters]

kayslee
Then the fire fades away
most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're.... the other side of the world
Ohh.... the other side of the world
You're.... the other side of the world
To me.

as jonas spoke, she sighed and looked over at him. i don't know... she replied finally. looking away for a brief moment, she returned her gaze back to jonas. i don't want to be just friends...

when he spoke again, she bit her lip. jonas, i can't do this right now. i'll talk to you later, okay? come over to my house saturday or something. [which will be the day after the beach] she hoped he would understand... standing up straight again, she managed to smile slightly, then started walking away. it had never been harder to walk away from anything.